are these things really short stories? i guess not. but i call them that to differentiate them from my essays which are about me. they are all in the first person, which means they make wonderful audition monologues or pieces to share with your friends in your acting classes. maybe one day they will be a book. or maybe not. i have a bunch more of them and i happen to like them but some people have told me they all sound like the same person so they will never be a book, never ever ever.


courteney cox's asshole
the piece that started it all. i wrote this as a monologue for my musiest muse becky thyre to perform on stage at a show we created called box, which was an all female predecessor to sit n' spin. afterwards, i double submitted it to zzyzyva and andrei codrescru's exquisite corpse and they both got mad at me and fought over it. it was like being gang raped by two of your professors, but in the fun way.

fatal flaw

mule wife
this makes a good monologue. i wrote this with melanie hutsell for box and she performed it and it was tender yet funny, like good pasta.

hey lady
this makes a very disturbing monologue. becky thyre performed this at sit n spin to a shocked audience. i submitted it to mcsweeney's but they rejected it, sending me a no thanks letter but to a different chick's name and regarding a different piece. Oh well.

my book is going to have essays so i had to keep most of them so i can scrape them and shape them into new essays that you can only read when you buy it. but here's one:

diamonds - this is on hillary carlip's cool website, FRESH YARN. when you go to her website, after you read diamonds you can read lots of other funny peoples' funny stuff, like my friends sarah thyre, and cara dipaolo.

oh jesus, i thought i would have more, but i have to save the rest of them. don't be mad. okay?